COVID-19: Loneliness and Aloneness
In these times of social distancing and sheltering-in-place for a prolonged period, it is well to revisit the psychological implications of loneliness and aloneness, two distinct sets of experiences. The distinction between loneliness and aloneness revolves around the experience of isolation, often imposed by circumstance, and the desire for solitude, often voluntarily sought out for restorative reasons. Both sets of experiences assume the person to exist in a social context—a community that provides sustenance and support during critical times. Problems arise when the circumstances for maintaining a close relationship with others interfere with our needs.
Loneliness
The experience of loneliness, which Erikson (1964) refers to as isolation, is different from that of aloneness as it implies a discontent with one’s solitary state and the wish for an intimate relationship. When people complain of loneliness, it suggests that they long for companionship to mitigate the effects of loneliness. Feelings of sadness color the experience of loneliness, as often happens to people who have suffered the loss of a significant other. They experience their isolation as a painful deprivation of the intimacy that sustained them and gave meaning to their existence. They hunger for the lost loved one as they search for ways to find comfort in their grief. Such loneliness results from circumstances over which the person may have no control, as has occurred during this pandemic. Feeling vulnerable and disconnected is, in part, due to the enforced isolation.
The experience of loneliness reveals the existence of a universal existential trauma. It is universal in the sense that it defines the core of our humanity. It is traumatic because, as social beings, we experience the isolation as dehumanizing. Loneliness is associated with the loss of contact with others and with the absence of the emotional enrichment that comes with our bond to others. It impoverishes the quality of our lives and undermines our coping capacities. We yearn for the restoration of the treasured bonds with those whom we care for and love and who, in return, provide the nurture that is essential to our well-being.
The experiences associated with loneliness are different from those linked to depression. The roots of depression have a different source. We may feel sad because we are lonely, but the cause of the sadness is situational. This differentiates it from depression, which is reflective of inner turmoil. The remedies for loneliness are different from those that depression requires.
Aloneness
The concept of aloneness defines the experience solitude. It is often characterized by the voluntary wish to be alone. There are times when we wish to be with our thoughts and feelings, such as when we are in a contemplative mood. Such are the times when we sit on the beach to watch the waves and feel awed by the immensity of the horizon. They are times we spend reflecting on matters that concern us or when we meditate. These experiences do not reflect an inability to be with others but merely the desire to be apart. During such times, people, although alone, do not feel distressed by their isolation from others. For them, being alone enables them to feel a sense of inner harmony. In other words, they are at peace with themselves. Creative artists and writers find higher levels of inspiration and productivity when alone.
Conclusion
Aloneness is voluntary, whereas loneliness is often involuntary, that is, it is inflicted on us by circumstances. Whether lonely or alone, a person can imagine being with an “evoked companion,” as the psychoanalyst Daniel Stern put it. An evoked companion is like the imaginary playmate that young children create to keep them company. This suggests that when alone, we can evoke memories of people we loved and cherished or memorable events that left their mark. Such memories restore our sense of connectedness and dissolve our isolation.
It is important to keep in mind that the feelings of sadness associated with loneliness are different from those tied to depression. One can be lonely and not be depressed. As I stated above, the remedies for loneliness are different from those required to heal depressions.
What then are some of the remedies for loneliness?
Consider the benefits of aloneness as an alternative to feelings of loneliness. You can engage in thoughtful meditation, prayer, or yoga.
Engage in activities that generate positive feelings, such as cooking, baking, completing arts and crafts projects.
Exercise is an antidote to feelings of sadness.
Having a pet dissolves isolation and provides companionship.
Finally, C. S. Lewis said, “We read to know we are not alone.”
Joe Palombo, MSW-Emeritus